caelus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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trailblazers2024-01-25 08:59 pm
receptacles) wrote in trailblazers2024-01-25 08:59 pmEntry tags:
receptacles) wrote in trailblazers2024-01-25 08:59 pm
@razmataz
[ He's still anxious and feeling mildly ill for it by the time he gets word from Pom-Pom that Aventurine's arrived in the parlor car. Half of him doesn't really understand, himself, why he's so uncomfortable around the man. He likes Aventurine, or at least he thinks he likes Aventurine. He knows he thinks the man is pretty. He likes it when Aventurine buys him gifts and promises him things. He likes the sound of Aventurine's voice. Sometimes, he thinks he even likes the man's penchant for gambling. He's fun and flashy and he's always up for a good time. These should be good things.
But — there are bother things, too. Things Caelus doesn't really know how to put into words. Sometimes it feels like everything always comes back around to sex when it comes to Aventurine, and Caelus doesn't think he hates that, except when it also means that nothing he's saying ever seems to matter to the man. It's so strangely dehumanizing talking to him. Caelus feels dehumanized by Ruan Mei and Herta sometimes, too, but the difference with those two is that he knows they need to keep him alive to keep running the Simulated Universe project, and they always remember to be human enough to offer him rewards for his service. With Aventurine, that guarantee isn't quite there, and it's not that Caelus thinks that Aventurine would kill him, but it's just —
He always feels so much like meat. Worthless, dehumanized, discarded. Good for sex, and then not a lot else.
If it were just the sex, it'd be a lot easier. If he stopped having hopes altogether, it'd be a lot easier.
Despite everything, Caelus isn't as stupid or as poorly read as he often portrays himself. He knows a little bit about how the IPC recruits people, from Topaz if not other nameless IPC goons he's met throughout the cosmos. He thinks he might understand why Aventurine is just like this, but still.
It would all be a lot easier if Aventurine just said that he cared. It would be a lot easier to forgive him if he just said that he was trying. But Caelus is pretty sure the man will never say anything of the sort, and if he's always going to feel so unimportant talking to him, Caelus isn't sure he wants to keep talking to him at all.
Cutting him off was supposed to be a lot easier than this, too.
Despite the circumstances, the Trailblazer tells the conductor to let the Stoneheart into his personal quarters. Part of him doesn't really want to let Aventurine into his room right now; the other part of him doesn't want the rest of the "Astral Express family" to see him cry if he winds up crying, and he can't help but feel that this is going to end with him crying.
He's sitting on the edge of his bed when Aventurine arrives, fidgeting with the long armwrap of one of his gloves. He doesn't really look up. ]
...Hey.
[ He doesn't meet Aventurine's gaze, either. Just wraps the yellow ribbon tight around one of his wrists, and pulls taut. Then he unwraps it, and lets it hang loose again. ]
this is how we roll
what was it again? he wants to be liked the way he likes him? hm. possibly a little tricky, but doable, surely. aventurine's dressed in his best, as always, and he brings a gift with him, as per usual ~ never one to come round empty handed. )
Hello, puppy. ( he lets the door close behind him before taking a step closer to where caelus is seated on his bed. ) Are you going to allow me to greet you properly?
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...Hi, Aventurine.
[ He likes the "puppy" nickname, if the faintly pleased look on his face is any indication, but he continues to seem a bit wary and shy. ]
You can come closer.
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aventurine bends down to press a kiss on caelus' cheek, his right, and then his left before tipping his chin up. he stares into his eyes, taking in the almost teary, wide-eyed look, smiling gently. instead of sitting down next to caelus, he simply gets down on his knees settling himself between the trailblazer's legs as he rests his hands on his thighs. )
I brought you a gift. ( he pulls an elegant looking box out of his pocket and offers it to caelus, holding it in the palm of his hand. ) I had this made especially for you. For good luck. ( since he'll be heading out for his next adventure soon...
opening the box, he reveals a silver ring with little bits of whatever is left of his cornerstone perhaps? who knows? )
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It sits comfortably and perfectly around his ring finger, and Caelus stares at it until he feels saline sting in the corners of his eyes. He takes a shuddering breath. ]
...You're really just so bad for me.
[ He's not — crying, in the sense that he's not sobbing outright or anything like that — but he passes one hand over his eyes, and the backs of his knuckles come out unmistakably wet. Is he happy? Yes, of course — but that's the thing, isn't it? This is that happiness he feels right before Aventurine does something, or says something else, and then he'll feel awful again. ]
You always make me feel so stupid...
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Hm? How so?
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[ Holding his breath, Caelus gently presses his forehead against Aventurine's where he's kneeling on the floor in front of him. He's close enough to kiss, but he doesn't move to touch his lips against Aventurine's. Just rests there, eyes closed, feeling the warmth of Aventurine's body against his. ]
I like you so much when you're here and you're so sweet and you're giving me presents. I want to kiss you and hold you and have sex with you and make you feel good.
[ The Trailblazer turns his palm upward to take Aventurine's hand into his own. ]
...But when I'm not around, you're not going to think about me, right?
[ His voice has gone very soft and quiet. ]
It's just fun for now, right...