trailblazers | 001 » with my legs up on the dashboard

[ Caelus just laughs quietly to himself. It's less a laugh and more a single exhale. He doesn't jump into Dan Heng's lap, or anything so crass. Sure, Dan Heng said it'd be okay, but he doesn't sound all that certain about it, so Caelus figures he'll leave the idea alone for now.

Caelus does have nightmares — but there's no need to bring them up with Dan Heng, he figures. Some of them are too vague, too nebulous, to put into words, and others say too much about what kind of person he is at his core to ever explain them to anyone else. Besides, he should probably finish his tea first. Caelus takes a deep sip of the hot chamomile tea and gazes without judgment at Dan Heng's face. ]

How's the financial history book?

[ Maybe Dan Heng will summarize it. Or just start reading from the passage that he's in. It doesn't really matter. He just thinks it'd be sort of nice to listen to the man's voice for a while. ]

( he didn't realize he was holding his breath until the moment caelus laughs it off and dan heng can only think that -- oh, he's saved from the awkwardness of it all. look, he's never really had any interaction with anyone in this way what with having been trapped in the shackling prison for most of his life, alone and devoid of any company whatsoever. how should he know what to do in this sort of situation? it had just seemed impolite to refuse caelus in this moment when the trailblazer seems to be in a vulnerable state. )

It's a financial history book. ( ha! what an answer. )

Aside from being run over by a tram today, did something else happen? ( it's a fair question. the restlessness, neediness... he reaches out a hand to touch the trailblazer's shirt, tugging gently on the sleeve. there's a dirty stain on it from what he suspects is from the accident earlier. he really wasn't lying about that. )

[ He's surprised when Dan Heng reaches out to touch his sleeve. His eyes go wide and gold for a moment; even his breath comes to a stop in his throat as his body stiffens. His sleeve is dirty from where he'd landed on it when the tram collided with him. He hadn't stopped to dust himself off.

After a slight pause, Caelus moves his hand, but only to take Dan Heng's fingers into his own. Part of it is to sate his own neediness, but there's a sense of placation to it, too; he seems to be saying don't worry about the sleeve. ]

I don't know.

[ It feels too honest once he's said it. Part of him wishes he hadn't said it at all. ]

I just get really lonely sometimes. I don't know what to do about it. 'Cause it's too much, you know? People shouldn't have to deal with me like this.

[ He pauses. That feels a little too heavy to let hang in the air. It's not like Dan Heng hasn't had worse problems. So Caelus moves to cover it up, adding, in a stupid, dramatic, joking tone: ]

This all started when I was abandoned as a child. That's when the trauma began.

[ Not that Caelus has ever been a child, exactly... ]

( he allows for caelus to grasp hold of his fingers, giving it a gentle squeeze in return as he listens to him, canting his to the side when he mentions being abandoned...

dan heng could let the trailblazer know if he's feeling lonely he can always find someone to talk to on the express, but he doesn't. in a way, he understands how caelus feels. despite his return to luofu, the welcome he'd been given by the general, and finally being able to experience the hustle and bustle of the alleys, he still feels as if he's all alone, even in a crowded place. )

Is this about Kafka? ( that woman. she did leave the trailblazer just like that. that's how they'd found him. )

Huh? Ah, yeah — [ He reacts quicker than he can keep up with himself; Caelus falters when he realizes that his first instinct has let the cat out of the bag. So this is about Kafka. He looks guilty for a moment, and then continues: ] ...yeah, I... forgot to tell you about that.

[ A likely lie. He pauses, looking at Dan Heng's fingers on top of his. ]

I met her. After all the stuff on the Luofu. She reached out to me and told me to come to where she was.

[ Should he tell Dan Heng the whole story? He probably shouldn't. But he thinks Dan Heng is just going to ask more questions if he tries to sidestep it now, so he continues: ]

I thought maybe we'd end up fighting, but we have a... connection, you know? So... long story short, she talked to me and promised to tell me the truth.

[ He closes his eyes, remembering the conversation. Her mysterious smile; Blade, slumped over like a marionette with cut strings in the background. Both of them watching. Waiting, to see how he'd react. ]

...She told me that she raised me. That they made me to be a container for the Stellaron. My body was created by an Aeon or something. But otherwise... I just exist to hold the Stellaron for Elio's script.

( dan heng suspected something might have been up with that, but he figured the trailblazer would tell them all about it whenever he's ready. nodding once, he mindlessly runs his thumb over caelus' knuckles while listening. )

I don't think that's true. You're far from being just a container. Don't be silly. ( he flicks his index finger against the bony part of the trailblazer's hand then, but he doesn't break the contact. instead, he turns his palm over before running his fingers down the middle of it towards his wrist. )

I do believe you have a bigger purpose than that. Your reason for existing... It cannot be entirely dependent on what you are. It's you who want to be and what you wish to pursue in this life. ( he'd like to believe that for himself as well. ) Besides, you've come to mean something... to all of us.

[ Caelus takes a slow breath. Dan Heng turns his hand over and touches it, like a fortune teller reading the lines of his palm; something about it is strangely soothing, in the nearly-maternal fashion that some stupid corner of his heart was hoping Kafka would be. ]

...You really think so? [ A little laugh, slightly forced. ] You're being so nice to me today, Dan Heng.

[ He bends over slightly where he's seated, lowering his head so that his face is out of view, though he keeps his wrist outstretched. Why? He's not quite sure. It's half an attempt to hide and half because it makes him feel like a penitent sinner, seeking absolution from a man who is less like a god and more like a friend. ]

...What do I mean to you?

You're... family. ( that's what the express crew feels like to him. a connection he's never had in his life, but now there's this group and their shared bond and... they've come to mean something important to him. )

Now get some sleep. I have an early day tomorrow. ( he releases his hold of caelus' wrist and sets about preparing the sleeping area, although there really isn't much to do... he's got two pillows at least so he tosses one over to the trailblazer. )

[ Dan Heng lets go of his hand. Caelus lifts his head, lowering his arm back to his side.

He catches the pillow when it's thrown to him, which is a fun bit of casual athleticism given that he had also reached for the last of his tea at the same time, and wasn't directly looking at it coming for his head. ]

Why do you have an early day tomorrow?

001 » with my legs up on the dashboard

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